Remembering

I don't know why, call it temporary insanity (I'm sure going to), but I felt like I had to watch the slideshow of my brother today. It has been over a year since I watched it last - for good reason - that reason? I can't handle it. But I had to today and so, while I am already crumbling, I am going to write just a few things about what happened for my posterity. I don't know how far I'll get...These two pictures are the last pictures I have of my brother, Kevin, alive. We were at my Grandmother's funeral. It was a beautiful day. August 10, 2005. We played baseball on my mom and dad's big lawn after the services. We enjoyed each other. Five days later, August 15, 2005, he took a friend up in his plane and neither of them made it back. He was 25. He had two children, a wife, 4 brothers, 2 sisters, a mom, dad... things will never be the same as they were then. But I guess, they won't be the same as they are now ever again either.

When my Grandma was dying we all came to say goodbye. Tanner wanted to play football with Kevin but I told him "Tanner just let Uncle Kevin say goodbye to his grandma. He won't get to see her again - but you will have lots of opportunities to play with Uncle Kevin." Kevin heard our conversation and said, "It's okay, Heather. I would love to play with Tanner." and he did. None of us assumed that Kevin had less than 2 weeks with us at that point, but I am glad for the opportunities taken, the pictures taken, the talks and hugs that weren't missed - because they are missed now.

Kevin's funeral was hard. I still can't think about it without sentiment. I won't get into my specific feelings or memories because not all of you are on the appropriate medication. My sister in law (his wife) asked me to sing "The Dance" at his

funeral. I told her I couldn't. She understood but my mother called me later and told me that Lori really wanted me to do it. One of my other brother's wives came to my rescue and consented to sing it with me. She was awesome and I mostly made it through. I still can't listen to that song without falling apart at least a little. It won't stay on my blog play list for longer than this blog is the top post, but I figured I would torture you too.

The hardest part was when they loaded Kevin's casket into the Hearse. His son got very upset and ran out by the car. He asked the funeral director, "Where are you taking my dad?" Very kindly the funeral director told him that he was taking him back to the mortuary. Then Nathan said, "But who will be with him? What if he gets lonely?" Now I have a question. What if we get lonely? Because...
It's too hard to type through the tears anymore - but sometimes you have to remember. I'm glad that most of my memories are good ones.